Staying calm when your child is being anything but...

Understanding why and how to regulate your emotions and support your children to do the same

Parenting young children is a hard task. From manic school runs, to cooking dinners that will inevitably be half-eaten, and giving up hope of any weekend lie-ins, it’s a lot of work to raise the next generation. But we knew that already. We’ve seen enough episodes of Motherland.

What we rarely think about when it comes to the list of parenting tasks, is the thing that often comes with a lot of daily struggle, and without any kind of manual… staying calm and in control when faced with angry protests, tearful tantrums, and ongoing refusal to listen.

This is hard for good reasons:  

• Our personal Window of Tolerance: The Window of Tolerance refers to an optimal mental zone where we can effectively manage emotions, stay engaged, and reflect. When we’re tired, stressed, or overwhelmed with other responsibilities, our window decreases and means we’re more easily triggered by our children. As a result, we find ourselves reacting rather than responding to big and messy feelings and behaviours.

• A lack of good modelling when we were younger: if we didn’t observe the adults around us regulating their emotional when we were little, or if our own emotions were never tolerated by the adults around us, we can get easily angered by our child’s behaviour and the feelings that lie underneath them.

• The behaviours that come with the big feelings are unacceptable: sometimes our children behave in ways that make us feel disrespected or out of control. Sometimes their behaviour can make us feel worried that others are judging us and our child. This creates huge feelings of pressure that prevent us acting calmly or consciously.

Whilst we should never expect to be 100% calm, 100% of the time (that’s impossible and there is NO SUCH THING as the perfect parent this would represent!) we can aim to be calmer more often than we are not, even if all of the above applies.  

The benefits of being calmer with our kids:

• Less chance of escalation: When children misbehave or struggle to manage their intolerable feelings, and parents react in a dysregulated and overly harsh manner, children will often react by escalating their behaviour. Regulating our own feelings can prevent a cycle of escalation from happening, so that we can address the behaviour whilst help them process and understand the feeling or need underneath it.

• Modelling what we want our children to do: Social Learning Theory explains how children learn by observing and mimicking the people around them. So, if we avoid

  snapping when they throw a tantrum, and instead take a deep breath and say, “I’m feeling frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a moment to calm down before we talk” we are setting up a positive behaviour for them to observe and imitate.  

• The long-term benefits for children’s self-esteem: When we remain calm, we help our child feel safe. The psychoanalyst Wilfred Bion who coined the term ‘containment’ explained that if parents are calm enough, they can receive a child’s projected feelings, break them up into something more tolerable for the child, and subsequently allow them to feel contained and understood. In the long-term, this enables the child to regulate their own emotions independently and helps them form a stable identity and self-esteem.   

If you’ve found yourself getting into the regular habit of losing your cool and want to try doing things differently, here are some realistic ways to stay grounded, even in the hardest parenting moments:

• Understand your triggers: staying calm requires thought about what causes you to lose it in the first place. Think about the bigger and deeper picture of the effect your child’s behaviour is having on you – is it touching a nerve around feeling disrespected? Is it putting you in touch with feelings of helplessness you once felt as a child? Ask yourself why you are really feeling this way and what it would look like to respond differently next time. This isn’t about judging or blaming yourself. It’s about developing awareness – which will allow you to respond rather than react.

• Slow down – take a breath, ground yourself: When you notice what’s happening inside of you, it’s important to practice slowing everything down. Rather than acting immediately with your stress response in charge, practice pausing. Breathe. Leave the room. Sing a song in your head. Tell yourself, “slow down, we’re ok”. Focus on grounding yourself in the present moment by naming 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Slowing down gives yourself and your child space to stay calm and connected, even in conflict.

• Remember the feelings they’re feeling: It is very likely that whatever feeling is being communicated by our child (through their behaviour) we have felt it too – as a child and in the adult version of ourselves. Connecting to our own emotions encourages us to be more empathetic with our children’s – from fear, to shame, anger, or disappointment, we share the human spectrum of emotions with our children. It’s also important to remember that their brains are still developing, and they do not yet have the capacity to process and regulate feelings on their own. So, be curious about your child’s inner world and remember – it’s not personal, they’re just being human!  

• Comfort yourself: It’s not just our children who need comfort in the tough times – we do too. Rather than criticising ourselves during the storm, we need to develop our soft, self-compassionate voice and find comforting ways that shift our energy. In the peak moments of difficulty, attach yourself to a comforting mantra: “We are safe, we are ok”, “I can do hard things”, “I’m the adult, my child is a child”. You can also think of a memory or something funny that makes you smile. And remember to fill your own cup up outside of parenting, so that you aren’t running on empty.

Some final things to remember…

• You are human and you will lose your temper at times. That’s normal and ok and to be expected. When those moments do happen, remember that you can also repair. Taking accountability and responsibility for moments of dysregulation helps your child learn that mistakes are ok and feelings can be owned. Letting your child know that you’re sorry you shouted, and explaining that you got upset and you’re working on it, is powerful for both of you.

• Start small. Rather than trying to overhaul everything at once, choose one specific goal to work on. Small, intentional changes add up over time – even if it’s just remembering to take a deep breath before responding.

• We still need to set boundaries. When we stay calm and connected with our children, part our response will require setting limits on unhelpful, uncooperative or destructive behaviours. Look out for my next blog post which will focus on how and why to set effective and achievable limits on challenging behaviour, whilst validating and containing the big and real feelings underneath them.

Looking for more support on your parenting journey?

You're not alone! If you're ready to set healthy boundaries while staying connected with your child, or want personalised guidance click here to reach out - I’d love to support you as you support your family!